ROTFLOL | 9999

Never say no to Panda

No really, Panda will come and HURT you. Who is this curiously angry Panda? Well, somewhere in the jungles of the Internet came forth a cheese product. Something sold in a Middle Eastern country (I thought for the longest time the product was in Asia).

But anyways...

See, in this place, cheese was made. A delicious, super cream cheese that everyone, and we mean EVERYONE is required to eat whenever it was offered. But some people couldn't handle the cheese. Some people feared the cheese, or just weren't hungry or whatever. And so this delicious cheese was passed around, ignored and un-eaten.

But then it made a friend. A rather large, rather angry friend. See the cheese met a Panda. Pandas to the Western part of the world see them as quiet, graceful, serene creatures – Kung Fu Panda non withstanding. But the rest of the world knows what's up. These guys are mean sons of bitaches. But this worked to the cheeses' favor as it needed more motivation to gain more loyal customers.

The cheese would be on a work desk, waiting to be opened up for consumption. It would be offered at a dinner, as a dip, found in the supermarket. But people would decline – then bam! Mr. Panda would come out. At first the people would stare incredulously at him, this huge angry panda. Then in a sudden outburst Panda destroys everything around them in a fit of rage. That death glare he gives right after just screams 'I DARE you to say no.'

That death glare promises more trouble, more rage. And so they buy, eat, store as much of the cheese as possible. Out of deliciousness or fear the cheese dosen't know – or care. OMONOMON PANDA is sooo good!?

Please don't hurt me, Mr. Panda.

Super Hard Games II

I keep forgetting to return to this. Super hard, or frustrating, or near impossible games are just that – hard. But they can become beloved exactly because of their hardness. Pain junkies and frustration aficionados could simply play Demon Souls. But if you are without a console? Well don’t fret, you can get your frustration fix on the PC. And since a lot of people enjoy making homebrew games, a lot of these finds are free.

Here's a few faves I've found so far:

I Want to be The Guy. Oh yes. This game is part cat like reflexes, and part memory skills. Nearly 80 percent of the game is reflexes and memorizing the many traps present, but a lot is just skill. Hidden spikes. Invisible platforms you jump on to reveal and trap walls of spikes. Large eigh-bit bosses? Yeah, if you have the patience (and enjoy the game almost trolling you) it is a fun climb to become The Guy.

Typing of the Dead. Keyboard attack time!? Why yes, it it time to cause pain to the rampaging zombies coming toward you – buy shooting out words, letters, or unknown items. The game never shows what exactly is shot out at the rampaging forces of evil. You are helping Agent G in an obvious remake of House of the Dead push back the horde rampaging in a local town. But instead of using discernible weapons, you show up in Dreamcast looking at back packs and...a key board gun.

Yes, instead of shooting things like bullets you short out words. Words that you have to spell correctly on the fly to cause damage (and prevent getting hurt). This game to me is hard because if you are a slow typist or can't spell, this can be an exceedingly hard game.

Don't save the princess

I'm serious. This game DOSEN'T want you to save her at all. And you what? After years of rescuing the stereotypical damsel who didn't have the street smarts to save her own damn self (and my at times sadistic nature) I say, yeah screw you lady I have things to do. Take Karate next time.

Seriously, this game encourages you to not only ignore the princes in peril, but to help the evil dragon guarding her – by getting her dimwitted knight in shinning armor eaten. It's a suicide mission wrapped into medieval fantasy. I myself got stuck into about level 12. Trying your hardest to not save a princess can be tough. You'd think not rescuing the princess would be easy, as you have control of one unlucky knight. He just aimlessly jets around like a lemming going into any direction you point him to. And just like in those Lemmings games if you point the tiles wrong he shots and inadvertently kills himself.

In fact that's the point – making the knight end himself. But if only it was just as simple as letting him walk off a cliff! See there's a cute little dragon sitting around chilling near the princess. He clearly is famished, guarding against intruders like our dear knight. Trying to tune out that stupid princess' incessant screaming... No, you can't just let the knight fail, you mush make him fail so utterly that he lands into this dragon's maw. Dragons get famished kidnapping princesses, you know.

So, the point of the game isn't to save a foolish princess, but to feed her captor! Of course the princess may be in on it, pulling a princess peach to get rid of said knight. I mean he IS dumb enough to jet into walls and dragon jaws as it is...

Crack + Golden Girls = WHAT IS THIS?

I was rummaging through a few Gawker blog posts and somehow, somewhere in that trail, I landed onto a site that linked this: The Golden Shower Girls. The clip was prefaced by the warning to not watch it if you wanted your past memories of the Golden Girls show to stay untainted.

I, being of sound mind and body, decided to toss that away.

The parody is pure, unadulterated crack. Nothing is sacred – horrible tasteless jokes abound. But they are done in a 'we judge you equally, you bastards' and it works. Racial, sexual, religious, pure social humor...and farts. It was like seeing 4chan...but with the actual humor. I then went onto the user's YouTube channel proper and found more nuggets of irreverent joy.

Childhood Disney films, a well liked 80s sitcom about ladies up in age but still having fun, gay porn...all get speared in subversive gay humor. In fact, one would say all these shows were gay icons in their own right, so to be spoofed in such a self-referential and mocking way is refreshing.

Annd then there's that Jem parody, Jiz. Yes, that's the name. The show Jem was a staple of my childhood. An all-woman rock band, run by a female mogul (yes Joise and the Pussy Cats were their own band but didn't run things beyond their band it seemed). I mean aside from the douche boyfriend who wanted to date both the main character and her alter ego Jem, she adopted kids and ran stuff!

This channel changed it to a group of drag queens with a drug problem and filled with simply wtfery. The funny thing is despite the random nature, the parodies have a plot. Namely Jiz has an electronic drug dealer and you don't. Sucks to be you.

(Note, if you are easily offended....yeah don't. Or do. Won't stop you.)

The ass cushion that doubles as a flask. Wait, what?

It seems the catheter-like drink bag wasn't gross enough. Nope! Let's take a thick and not at all questionable square pad, put a bag inside of it, and let you fill it with whatever liquid you want (read: any high-proof drink that you didn't buy at the park). Aside from sitting on a slowly deflating 'water mattress' –with all that liquid that needs to be guzzled down - are you that damn thirsty? I mean, you go out to watch an event, not get drunk. Right?

I mean you can get drunk any old time. At home. From a bottle, can or glass like normal people. And the stadium sells drinks (read: over-priced piss water). You don't NEED beer to live; everyone knows it will only make you thirstier hence more disrupting trips to buy more, and will eventually cause you to run to the bathroom making half your outing a sequence of: buy beer, piss, return to seat. I don't see the appeal of getting publicly intoxicated.

Disregarding those obvious points, you're drinking from where your ass sits. You are DRINKING FROM WHERE YOUR ASS SITS. Do you not see the irony of drinking from an area you will eventually piss from, which is just as gross as a bathroom stall? The idea of drinking water or crappy beer from a cushion that sits under one's behind is very unpleasing to think on. The fact that there is a market for this crap is nothing short of 'ewwww.'

Here are some Nerdcore raps-heavy on the core

Nerdcore started as more of a joke thing, a music genre with nerds and geeks putting their favored nerdy topics into song – namely rap and techno. Most try to falling into the rap category. Now don’t get me wrong, I love seeing my nerd boys and girls go all crazy with their bad selves, raping about World of Warcraft, Dungeons and Dragons, Harry Potter, and what else tickles their nerd fancy.

But c’mon, be honest with yourselves: you all come across as nerds that decided to put your musings to a bet. The techno nerds can pull it off. The rap nerds at best come across as Weird Al or Lonely Island-esque, at worse or, just trying too hard. Sorry nerds, you either are too funny {hahaha} or over-doing it.

Then Richie Branson comes along. Now he doesn’t deny his nerdyness. Ohoho no. He owns up to being a hardcore Gundam Wing fan. He raps about the fun of playing SWTOR. He does this with sly lines here and there with rather awesome rap beats inspired by the subject matter.

And he produces everything he does. Yes, he writes his own lyrics, sets up his own beats and performs it all sound on par with professional done items from the radio.

When you listen to him it’s less "lol" and more "dyuamn son."

Though it probably helps that he was a pro producer BEFORE he started doing nerdcore themed stuff. Or that he has had songs he produced chart on the Billboard. Yes, that Billboard. This guy knows what sells and what hit your ear like a ton of bricks. Just listen to his track ‘Letter to Squaresoft.’ Part fan love, part slick beats, part fun wordplay...he’s what nerdcore rap can be when all things good align.

Sailor balloon

I was actually doing a separate job that has me search for things on the Internet. These searches are not by choice; I’m sent a page and I review it. This page had me literally stop, and wonder what the hel?! At a glance, you go "eh a balloon artist. Wooptie do." Thing was, at the time, I was sent the picture named ‘Sailor Balloon.’ Now when I saw the wording I expected a sailor and a balloon.

Instead my inner sailor moon geek went…"is that someone in a sailor moon costume entirely made out of balloons?’ I wasn’t exactly sure until I realized that yes, it was someone in a sailor moon cosplay but made entirely out of balloons. It did not help that she was standing next to a guy with a creepy balloon head version of Luna, sailor moon’s talking cat side-kick.

This was strange and above and beyond simply balloon animals and arches. They made life-size animals, full on detailed pirate hats, a floating Beholder of Dungeons and Dragons (I think), tickling my geek fantasy. The guy even makes balloon pool toys - toys that you could probably get for cheap and made with probably pool durable material at a retail store. I was torn, because this person was serious about balloons.

Is this a luner, those balloon fetishist guys, or an over-glorified balloon artist/clown? It just felt like they put way more work into their stuff than what was healthy. I do walk away with a few things though. That Beholder balloon is bad ass. Also that Luna cat head is just creepy.

Regular Ordinary Swedish Meal Time

Have you ever wanted to start cooking, and was all gung ho about it? They you went to say the public access channel to learn …but was bored out of your skull by boring non personable presenters and cooks? Or worse you went to the Food Network and saw really pretty but boring hosts that make everything seem calm and easy?

Well these guys say screw that. Here’s your jar of pre-dinner mayo, it’s time to cook Swedish style.

What did you say?

Swedish style. The popular YouTube show Regular Ordinary Swedish Meal Time (a sort of play on the title of other popular YouTube cooking channel Epic Meal Time) or ROSMT for short, is a rather crazy, rage filled parody of how the Swedish cook. All broadcast in Swenglish. What, the Spanish have Spanglish, the Japanese Engrish – let the crazy Swedes have the Swenglish.

You are probably wondering now… Do you actually learn anything from this show?

Why yes, yes you do.

Lead by a crazy bearded man with enough rage and intense eye staring to blow up the death star, he guides you on how to angrily create mouthwatering dishes using more Swedish standard methods like punching, throwing, growling, staring and generally beating the crap out of your ingredients till they submit and become dinner. All while thwarting a creepy puppet known as Mr. Fox. This show simply rocks in that the recipes are easy to follow and the random plots and guests punch up the show. Just insure your kitchen, cause I’m certain the ROSMT are not responsible for any damages after cooking Swedishly.

Damn Sallie Mae

Sallie Mae plays a mean game. This is what this hilarious tongue in cheek summary of the well known college loan place points out. She’s that ex that started off as a great girlfriend (or boyfriend); all over you and doting. She dresses nice and looks nice. Innocent. Shiny and new.

She lavishes you with gifts while smiling at you all the while. This is where your friends – the ones that decided to work and/or have scholarships outright warn you to not borrow all of that. Sallie Mae though gifts you these lump sums of money, money that a poor just fresh out of their parents’ house cannot resist.

She also lures with the promise of easy payments…when she mentions them at all. So all your classes are paid for. You even used some of it for rent. You STILL have extra. Why not treat yourself to a nice TV? Or a PS3? Or a boss stereo system? They are gifts after all.

Then the school stops – you either finish or quit. But as that period of time ends, so does you and Sallie Mae’s relationship – well the good part. She stops gifting you, and tells you those gifts weren’t gifts. What an Indian Giver! Not only that, but you have to pay her back for all of them –now.

She like a nagging, stalking Harpy will keep calling and calling, following you everywhere. You being still poor after college tries to tell her you’ll pay later but Sallie Mae is undeterred. Then after an age of constant calls – she drops the bombshell that she is pregnant (course pregnancy = the risen interest on your loans). And then suddenly because of that ‘baby’ will have your checks garnished.

NOTE: Sallie Mae the company isn’t that crazy. But the video does drive home an excellent point.

The moral of said video? Fight hard to get scholarships!

Marik Plays Portal 2

From the popular YuGiOh The Abridged Series fame; Marik the egotistical, sexy, not fat and totally not gay (…he’s totally gay) evil mastermind from the popular YouTube series has in between filming downtime and yet another YouTube ban (the YGOTAS guys get take down usually by disgruntled trolls sending in false reports to YouTube often) doing video game walkthrougths. Let’s clarify a few things.

An Abridged Series is of a show that is very long, takes forever to watch, is full of cluttered plot points, and tends to be at times unbearable to watch. So fans of said serious (or disgruntled anti fans) condense or abridge (like in books) the series down to its best points for new fans to understand, and old fans to enjoy. Or haters to enjoy. The abridging tend to be comical and segue into their own comedic story lines while keeping the spirit of the original show in mind. Use of clips from said show is often used.

A Let’s Play is a player playing a video game – fresh. This is not a walkthrough on how to beat the game or tricks to unlock stuff – this is to let the audience experience the game and its surprises with the player.

Now consider that a Let’s Play is usually done by a real person. Marik is a character from one series, but in YGOTAS has been turned comedic and parodic to the point he’s his own new character. So you have a created character who has been playing a bloodlines walkthrough fully in character.

This clip was made for a con with the VA (or a spot on one) for GlaDOS. It’s cute how it nods to both Portal 2 and YGOTAS YouTube series.

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